


We're Almost Home

by knavessofhearts



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 22:17:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3305390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knavessofhearts/pseuds/knavessofhearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had been on his way to sell the watches, when a man had intercepted his plans and told him a story. At the end of the story, the man told him he had to make a choice about Emma. He never got to make the choice, when he received a phone call instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Phone Call

“Now I’m going to tell you a story.” August said. “And at the end of it, you’re going to have to make a decision. Will you do the right thing...or not?” he posed. 

Neal could feel the weight of this man’s words already forcing his hand into a deal he didn’t want to make, backing him into a corner he couldn’t fight his way out of. Either way the situation went, or whatever story this man was about to tell him, one thing he knew for certain. He was about to lose the most precious thing in his life; he was going to lose Emma, no matter what he did. 

“So...Are you ready?” August questioned and glared at Neal, who looked up from his feet and sighed in resignation. He was never going to be ready to lose her, but did he even have a choice? Whatever this was about, August was right. He wanted to protect Emma, he loved her and wanted to do right by her. Emma’s destiny was to break the curse, and he was keeping her from it. Emma was the best thing in his life, but he wasn’t her destiny. He was just some low-life thief dragging her down, and always would. 

Through the entire explanation from August, Neal just sat with his hands resting on his forehead and stared at the ground, occasionally reacting slightly to bits of the story he recognised. The rest he tried to listen to, but most of the time he sat trying to figure out how he would say to goodbye to the woman he loved when all he wanted to do was take her and run to Tallahassee as fast as he could.

He didn’t even realise when August had stopped talking and was now patiently waiting for a response from Neal. He steadily rose to his feet, dusted off his jeans and ran his fingers through his short, curly hair.

“So Neal, what will it be?” August asked, knowing full well as Neal did- he didn’t have a choice or a decision to make. August and the universe had already made it for him. All Neal had left to do was walk away. It certainly was the easy way to go, but did that mean it was the right thing to do? To just let her go? Was there a way he could stay with Emma and still help her fulfil her destiny?

August was still waiting for his answer, or more his submission, when Neal’s phone rang. As if fate wasn’t being cruel enough, it was Emma. He already had 3 missed calls from her, Neal was supposed to have met her at their spot 2 hours ago.

He stared at the caller I.D. and his finger hesitated at the answer button, this was it. He thought he would have had more time to prepare a goodbye. Figure out what he would say to her. The thought of doing it in person broke his heart, imagining Emma’s face crumble as yet another person walked out of her life, but he couldn’t do it over the phone either. He hit answer.

“Hey, Emma I know I’m late. I’m sorry-“he started to say, when a woman’s clinical and professional voice that was definitely not Emma’s interrupted him.  
“Sir? This is Providence Medical Centre...Sir, I’m afraid there’s been an accid...” 

Neal didn’t wait to hear the rest as he felt the cell phone fall from his grasp, dread running across his skin and shooting ice through his veins. He didn’t reply to August’s calls for him to stop, Neal just ran. He ran as fast as he could, his heart racing in fear, his mind calculating the fastest route to Emma. Praying to God or whoever could hear his cries, to not let his Emma die.


	2. Neal's Decision

The thirty minutes it took him to get to Portland Medical were the longest, most agonising 30-minutes of Neal’s life. His panic, worry and confusion for Emma and answers to what was going on overwhelmed him as he demanded the ER nurse to tell him where Emma was. 

He remembered people trying to get him to calm down, and pulling away from their grabs before running down a hall- eventually collapsing and giving up in exhaustion. He let himself slide down the side of the wall and pulled up his legs, as he let his head fall against the wall and start to count the cracks in the tiles above him. After an hour he switched to counting the people who walked by, then he counted the minutes on the old, worn out clock across from him. 227 counts of minutes later, a nurse and a doctor with short spiky hair found him in the dark hallway who said they would take him to Emma. 

They led him to a Recovery room with the door shut, and they paused in front of it, blocking his way. It took all his willpower not to knock them out of his way and break down the door to get to Emma, but he had to stay where he was. Neal tried to imagine his feet were glued to the floor like he had when he was a kid to try and steady himself. It didn’t work. 

“Sir...There’s...no other way to say this.” The doctor started. Oh God. Neal could feel his panic returning. Just please tell me she’s alive, please say she’s alive, please be alive.

“She’s alive, Mr Cassidy, Emma’s alive.” The doctor said and placed a hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t realised he’d said that out loud, but hearing the doctor confirm she wasn’t dead sent relief washing through him. Neal’s feet came unglued and he paced the hallway trying to calm his racing heart, ignoring the streams of hot tears finally releasing from his eyes.

“So she’s okay?” Neal whispered in a broken voice from his earlier shouting, and still very present-panicking, that reached record levels when the doctor’s reply caught in his throat. The doctor re-composed his face and slide behind the mask of a professional doctor.

“Mr Cassidy...Miss Swan had a miscarriage.” The doctor finally said, and suddenly all the bones in Neal’s body felt like they had been replaced with straw, and he fell into a nearby chair to stop himself from crashing to the floor. The doctor’s professionalism faded away and he sat next to Neal. 

“I’m so very sorry, Mr Cassidy. Did you know that she was pregnant?” he asked.

Words suddenly became a very foreign concept; all Neal could manage was a weak shaking of his head. Emma is pregnant was all his heart was telling him, and his brain having to remind it every second ‘was’. In the space of only one second, Neal had found out he was going to be a father, and that he wasn’t. How could he react to something he didn’t even know was there? How did this happen? Eventually, words returned. 

“Why?” he uttered. 

“Sometimes things like this just happen, there’s no way we can prepare for them. Perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be, Mr Cassidy.” The doctor consoled, in a generalised speech he probably dished out to every shell-shocked patient, but those words stuck on Neal. Wasn’t meant to be.  
“Will she be okay?”

“Eventually. Things like this take time to heal from, physically and emotionally.” The doctor said, and Neal looked at everything he could in his surroundings except that door, wishing he could un-count the minutes of tonight. But no un-counting could ever erase these minutes, or the hard ones about to come. 

“Can I see her?”  
~

Seeing her lying in the hospital bed, broken and bruised, he remembered just how young and fragile she was. There really wasn’t much of an age difference between them, he was barely 23, but truthfully he had lived a lot more than 23 years, and tonight sure added at least ten years. 

She looked so lost and helpless in that hospital bed. He wanted nothing more than to get in there with her and stroke her hair until she felt better- the way she did for him on nights he felt sad but couldn’t tell her why. He didn’t know how he was supposed to act, what he was supposed to do; life had thrown everything off-course this evening with August’s revelation, and now this. The always strong and resilient Emma Swan that stole his car, now with her fierce blue eyes closed and wires attached to her arms and chest. Her flowing golden hair all matted and knotted and her skin pale, the glasses she hated to wear but hated more to admit that they made her feel braver on the table beside her, lying next to the watch he gave her in the car. This morning she had been full of life, excited for their future, and now she had almost died because he hadn’t been there for her when she needed him most. 

Neal took a seat next to Emma’s bedside and took all his courage into stopping himself from crying and waking Emma up with the noise, and waited for her to wake up. Fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it, was a funny thing. How could it be that August told him he had to leave Emma, when he did and Emma only got hurt? Why would Emma’s destiny sentence her to a life of misery and pain and loneliness?

“Neal?” a tiny voice called out, and Neal’s head snapped up to see Emma starting to stir, her eyes pinching further shut as the pain was the first sensation to return. He pulled himself and the chair closer to her bedside and reached for her hand immediately, letting her know as fast as he could that he was there.  
“Hey, hey it’s okay, you’re okay. I’m here, Emma.” He held her hand in both of his and kissed it softly, she seemed to register his touch, but struggled to even open her eyes through the pain and drugs. 

“Neal...” she croaked, and started to cry. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry..” she pleaded with him, and he immediately jumped out of the chair to kiss her forehead lightly.

“Oh Emma, there’s nothing for you to be sorry for.” he whispered, but thought bitterly to himself that he had everything to be sorry for. Where would he even begin to tell her?

She sniffled back her tears and Neal fed her some water through a straw that she could barely hold up to her mouth. When she began to calm down, and the crying slowed, he sat back in the chair but never let go of Emma’s hand.

“It’s okay, Emma. Go back to sleep.” He urged her. Emma’s eyes were closed again, as she fought against the drugs and the fatigue- clearly losing the battle.  
“I found out the day you told me about the watches, before I met you in the park.” She slurred, Neal hung his head when he remembered that day, just two days ago. Emma had been almost vibrating in excitement and joy, and Neal hadn’t even thought twice of it. He had been so wrapped up in his own selfish fears to notice how much wider she smiled or how she jumped into his arms or waved donuts in his face. 

“I was going to surprise you when you came back, after selling the watches...” Emma continued, and her head drooped to the side onto the pillow, asleep again within seconds. Neal felt his cheeks burn with hot tears, and quickly wiped them away. He placed his hands firmly around Emma’s again, raising them to his face as if to pray and kissing them softly. 

His decision now was clearer than it ever had been before. To hell with the universe or destiny. Emma’s destiny was hers to choose and find not for him to decide for her. How could he leave her now? When she needed him more than ever? He had decided. He wouldn’t leave her. He would never leave her. Whatever life threw at them, they would face together. That was clear now, they could face anything. If they could get through this, nothing could tear them apart. He could help her find her destiny, together. 

Emma woke up every few hours or so, disoriented and exhausted and Neal soothed her back to sleep each time. Stroking her hair or pulling her blankets around her tighter. After she had fallen asleep again around 2:30, the nurse came in and handed Neal Emma’s bag she had with her when she was waiting to meet him; the parking lot by the fairground where they had their first date. 

The guilt was overwhelming, when he thought about the split-second that he had planned on never meeting her there. How long had she been lying there unconscious, bleeding to death before someone found her? All because he let August talk him into leaving her, that it was the right thing to do.  
No. The right thing to do was be there for Emma, no matter what destiny or fate says. He was never going to leave her again.  
The bag in his hands had been opened by the paramedics searching for Emma’s emergency contact details, and hastily zipped back up. Peeking out from the bag, was a little ball of fluff. Neal opened the bag the whole way, and pulled out a tiny stuffed toy-bear with a blue ribbon around its neck- the price tag still attached to its ear. Nestled next to the bear had been a white envelope, inside a matching pale blue card that only said: “Congrats Papa! Love, your Baby-Mama,” in Emma’s handwriting.  
He thought back to the moment in the yellow bug, before he left and ran into August, how she beamed at him with glowing love, bursting with joy and admiration of him. He remembered smiling back, kissing her softly and promising her they were almost home. As he had turned to open the door, she caught his arm gently and gave him another quick kiss, before smiling at him with a devilish grin.

“I have a surprise for you when you get back.” She told him. Neal gave her a matching cunning grin before he exited the car and walked into the darkness, leaving with his heart as light as a feather and his mind clouded with the anticipation to kiss the hell out of her when he got back. If only, he thought, they could go back to that moment and re-do everything; he would never have gotten out of that damn car.


	3. Finding Tallahassee

Happy endings were not what Emma thought they would be, not entirely happy and not entirely with an ending. Tallahassee, was not what Emma thought it would be either. The dream didn't quite match the reality Emma had hoped for. She had found herself caught in a cloud of blind happiness and forgetting to keep her feet on the ground. And now, they had come crashing down, slightly broken and bruised as they found their way to back onto their feet, and she felt disorientated. They both seemed to dance around each other in awkward and anxious steps, unsure of where they were meant to go from here after what they had went through. 

Tallahassee felt like what they were meant to do, it had been their happy ending. Sell the watches, start their lives together. Neither thought of what they would have to go through to get there, and now they had an unspoken tragedy looming over their happy ending. 

Emma had no idea how to process what had happened, it had just been easier to shove it down and ignore the pain as they packed up their few belongings and left. She had always kept herself so guarded, buried every emotion deep inside her and process it on her own. But this pain wasn't just Emma's, it was Neal's too. She'd barely shared a candy bar with anyone before let alone a loss. Emma didn't know what to say to him, or what she wanted him to say to her. 

A part of her wanted to pretend it never happened, why bother crying over something she never had? It had barely been real. 

She couldn't forget it though; it had been real however fleeting it was. She had let herself imagine what it would be like, what their child would have been like.  
She had been pregnant, and Emma had felt undeniable happiness when she found out not scared like she had imagined. She had wanted it, and just like everything she wanted it was taken from her. Emma's only solace was knowing Neal was sitting beside her in the bug as they arrived in Tallahassee, the one part of her that she had opened up to intimacy and love that hadn't been taken from her. If she lost Neal, no matter how shattered or distant they were right now, she wouldn't know how to pick herself back up.

 

It took time, a lot of time, but they made Tallahassee their happy ending, their home. They sold the watches together, Emma haggling a few extra thousand out of the pawn broker in a city along the way. They rented an apartment with barely enough floor-space for a mouse, and Neal was sure he heard a few skittering underneath the floorboards their first night. Got new ID's, Neal found a job tending at a bar and Emma waitressing, and life started to turn around for the two. Eventually, Emma started smiling again like she did before. They found a sense of normalcy in their new life. It wasn't exactly like before, but she could pretend that they were alright most days. 

Every so often, it would hit her like a wave and Neal would come home to find her lying motionless on their bed with tear-stained patches on the pillowcase, and he would curl up beside her without hesitation. He wouldn't say anything, or ask her if she wanted to talk because he knew already she didn't want to. He would just lie next to her and stroke her hair until the moment was over. 

Some nights Emma would find Neal in a similar moment of sorrow, but she'd always hesitate about what she should do. It was hard for her to know what Neal needed in moments like this when he had so few of them. He was always the strong one. 

Emma knew, there were times when he couldn't be strong no matter how hard he tried, like this one, and she would walk up behind him and wrap her arms around his waist. Emma would rest her head on his back as he gripped her hands and let a few soft sobs escape his chest. He wouldn’t turn to face her, and she wouldn’t force him. Emma knew he didn’t want her to see him vulnerable; he always wanted to be strong and brave for her. They would stay wrapped in a private embrace for a moment, and then he would wipe his tears, shake it off and smile reassuringly to Emma before apologising and continuing on with his task. She hated that he felt the need to say sorry for showing the same pain she felt, but she of all could respect his need to not let people see the cracks as they formed. 

 

After 6 months, it seemed the heavy daze over them started to lift, and Emma's sad days were far behind her. Neal's however, seemed to be growing. Emma couldn't help but notice the guilt in his eyes every time they went to dinner and a family sat at a table nearby, or a mother pushing a stroller as they walked by. Even in stolen glances to her before he saw she was looking at him, like he would break down at the tiniest push. Emma couldn't pretend she didn't see it there. That Neal was coming apart at the edges, but she didn't know what to say to him, or how to say it. 

Something else seemed wrong inside his mind, when she noticed he wore the same vacant expression when he thought about his past. A past Neal had never been able to open up to her about, which she understood and respected in all sincerity. Emma knew enough of his history, but also knew there were blanks he couldn't-or wouldn't-say. 

Eventually, Emma couldn't let it go unspoken. Before she hadn't been ready to talk about it or acknowledge what happened, but denial can only keep you together for so long. Even Emma knew it was time to talk about the hard stuff. To talk about the baby.  
The first lie was a Friday night she came home from work and shut the door behind her softly as she spotted Neal in the kitchen washing dishes at the sink, who hadn't heard her come in. Emma placed her keys on the table and wrapped her arms around herself as she walked to stand watching Neal, who still hadn't realised she was there.

"Neal," she finally said, and he jumped at the sudden intrusion of sound, sending a plate splashing into the soapy water.

"Hey," Neal returned, before turning around and drying off his hands. He lent against the counter as he took in Emma's hardened expression.

"What's up?"

"We need to talk." She said firmly, and saw a spark of fear dance across Neal's face.

"What about?" he asked dumbly, and scratched the back of his head nervously. 

"What we haven't been talking about for months?" Emma suggested and Neal nodded, and found an interesting section of floor to fixate on.

"Neal, what happened with the bab....what happened, it wasn't your fault. It was no-one’s fault." Emma said, the words fighting to stay inside her like they had for six months now finally being laid out in the open. Neal didn't say anything, he just stared at the cracked tiled floor and Emma walked closer.

"No one is to blame, It wasn't anything either us could have done to stop or prevent. It was just the way things were meant to-"

"No Emma it isn't!" Neal suddenly exclaimed, and Emma recoiled in surprise. "There isn't no-one to blame or no one at fault, I am! It was my fault!" 

Emma's face fell in shock and realisation at what Neal had said; at what he had been bottling up since the accident- the final nail to drop that had been hanging silently over them. 

"It's my fault." he repeated in a small and choked voice, still not looking at Emma who was frozen in place. "I was supposed to go sell the watches...and I didn't. If I had, I would have met you on time like I was supposed to. If I hadn't got distracted none of this would have happened..." Neal revealed. 

He blamed himself, for what happened to her, and the guilt was tearing him up inside, but that wasn't the part of his revelation that stunned her. 

"What do you mean 'supposed to sell the watches'?" Emma questioned, and Neal stiffened, his fiddling hands paused mid-air. An emotion began to stir inside Emma and make her vision blur on the edges, anger.

"Neal...what do you mean? Where were you instead?"

Neal finally looked up, pleading. He struggled to find what to say, and Emma feared what he was struggling to find was an excuse. She always jumped to conclusions, believed the worst in everyone because that's what she had come to expect in this world. But not from Neal. The one person she had counted on to be honest with her, the person she gave her heart to.

"I can't tell you." was all Neal could utter, and Emma felt her heart drop. 

She'd joked about it with Neal before, and he hadn't taken it seriously, but Emma knew. Emma could always tell when someone was lying. He’d never lied to her before, except when they were joking about his age, he’d never lied about anything serious. 

"What do you mean you can't tell me?" Emma almost yelled, as her worst fears were coming to life right before her eyes. 

She knew that something had been off, that there was more that she didn't know about that night and why he hadn't showed. It hadn't mattered; Emma had kept telling the small nagging voice in the back of her mind, that it was probably nothing. But it wasn't nothing anymore, Neal hadn't just been hiding his guilt over that night. He'd been hiding a secret too. 

Neal didn't say anything else, and Emma didn't want him to say anything else. There wasn't anything else to say. Neal had a secret, and he was keeping his lips shut and Emma's brain couldn't stop thinking of what it could possibly be. She knew for certain, it was a secret that would hurt her, and she began to fear that she would start blaming him for what happened that night if she found out. 

Emma and Neal went to sleep that night without another word to each other, and miles between them and the empty sheets. Their happy ending came crumbling down after that, piece by piece with a secret cemented between them, only pushing them further and further apart. 

They tried to mend the distance between them, that they pretended hadn't grown up in the last 6 months, but the night Neal refused to tell her what really happened when Emma lost the baby finally shone a light into the dark void they were ignoring. Into the dark and scary places Emma didn’t want to think about. Emma loved Neal, more than anything and she knew he loved her too. But sometimes love isn't enough. 

A month later, Emma packed her bags, and left their little apartment. Neal didn't ask her to stay, and Emma didn't ask him to tell her the secret. He let her go, and she left him behind.

Tallahassee was not what she thought it would be.


	4. Of All The Bars In All The Towns...She Walks Into Mine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year later Emma and Neal cross paths again, where they seek to forget their past and their heartaches for one night before Emma is gone again and Neal wakes up alone.

It had been almost a year, and Neal had found a new life, again, in New York City. Starting over, it seemed, was becoming his forte. 

When he arrived in Manhattan he’d traded his old name for a new one. A name he had acquired from a bar owner who wanted to skip town, and with that Neal Cassidy became Oscar Fisher and a bar owner. He fell into his new role as bar-owner, bar-manager quite nicely, and having regular income and a roof over his head proved to be an added bonus. He’d finally found his footing in this world, and no longer felt lost, it was the life he’d always wanted...and it came at a price. The one person he had wanted to share it with, to give them a roof and a home and money to buy the things they want, the only one he had wanted to share a life with was now worlds apart from him. She blamed him for everything that had gone wrong between them, and rightly so, he was to blame. His lies and fear drove a wedge between them, and he could no longer pretend he wasn’t anything like his father. A coward. 

Retreating into the life of Oscar Fisher was his easy-fix solution to avoiding drowning in his guilt. At the bar, he could wear the mask of Oscar, the grinning and easy-going guy at the bar who could remember each regular and their exact order. Oscar hadn’t yet masked the skill of predicting what people want just by a simple look at them, but he was learning fast. 

On a typical Oscar night, the beer was flowing and the wine pouring as the bar filled with patrons and the football blaring on the screen behind him. Oscar was always the first to arrive and last to leave, not just because he was the owner, but because as soon as Oscar walked out that door and into his apartment, Neal could no longer play pretend. Neal would resume the casual drinking Oscar started and sit on the fire escape, watching the yellow dream catcher dance softly to the breeze. 

Neal caught himself before he delved in too deep and returned to the mask of Oscar, clapping his hands together and asking a couple at the corner of the bar what they wanted this evening. He was halfway through pouring a scotch on the rocks and a white wine, when out of the corner of his eye he spotted a girl in a red leather jacket watching him from the other side of the bar. He turned and straightened up slowly, when she came clearer into view. Her hair was curly, Neal couldn’t remember ever seeing that curly, and he couldn’t help but notice how different she looked without her black glasses. Had she gotten laser-eye? Was he just a fuzzy bartender she was waiting to be served by and didn’t actually realise who he was? Did she recognise him or was the “Oscar” name-tag disguising him better than he realised?

“Never picked you for an ‘Oscar’ kind of guy.” Emma mused as she tilted her head and smiled at him with the face he’d never forget. The one she had given him when she loved him. The same face in front of him now, not some dream or nightmare. But real. 

“Emma...” he breathed, and suddenly he didn’t know what to say. He’d thought about what he would say to her every day since she left if he ever saw her again, how many different apologies he had memorised sitting on that fire escape staring at their dream catcher. All the ways he had wanted to kiss her if he ever got her back, and suddenly all he wanted to do now was fall at her feet and cry. 

She smiled at him again, with a reminiscent glow in her eyes. Neal hadn’t ever expected her to smile at him again, not after what he did. He had tried to track her down over the years, but she was as good as being a shadow as he was. Last he heard of her, she was an assistant to a private investigator in Chicago. Neal had even found a contact number, and had almost hit dial until he thought about what would happen if she didn’t pick up, or even if she did. 

“Wh-What are you doin’ here? I thought you were in Chicago.” Neal finally snapped himself out of his panic.

“I’m here on a case, my first solo gig.” Emma explained, “I’m only here for the night, and I heard you owned a bar now.” she looked around inquisitively, with a look of knowing in the corner of her eye.

“How did you find out?” Neal asked dumbly, and Emma raised an eyebrow.

“I’m a private investigator now, Neal.” She said and added a laugh onto the end. This Emma was nothing like the woman who left him, in a year she had become a different person. So did he, Neal realised. They’d both moved on and grown apart. Their days as thieves long in the past. This Emma was older, stronger, more guarded. Behind her witty banter was a wall, that he couldn’t see past of. 

“So you going to give me a drink or what, Oscar?” Emma joked and Neal let out a brief laugh. Only 5 minutes after she came flying back into his life and she was making him laugh again. He briefly walked away from her to make her drink and serve a stray customer, before returning with a glass of whiskey on the rocks.

“You remembered.” Emma said fondly as she took a small sip.

“How could I forget? No idea how you can drink that stuff.” Neal joked and leaned against the bar, crssing his arms signalling to a waiter to take over the bar for awhile. 

“Well I had no idea how you could drink Bourbon.” Emma countered, “That stuff tastes worse than your attempts at cooking ever did.”

Neal sniggered at the memory, and Emma took another sip, but kept her eyes staring at the glass she twirled in her hands.

“What are you really doing here, Emma?” Neal asked softly, and she looked up at him in surprise. It might have been over a year since they last saw each other, but Neal knew her as well as he knew himself. 

“I wanted to see you. See how you were.” she confessed and looked back up at him, Neal could visibly see her walls start to break apart. She may have mastered the art of building them, but was still far way’s off protecting them. 

“I’m fine.” Neal replied too quickly, and Emma caught his lie. 

“I’ve missed you.” he found himself confessing quicker than he could stop himself, and caught Emma off-guard. And he saw tears start to gather in her big, blue eyes.

“I miss you too.” Emma whispered back, and now Neal was caught off-guard. He’d thought of what Emma might say if this moment had happened, and never had he imagined her say those words back. 

Neal decided he could no longer take the distance the bar put between them, and he walked around to sit on the barstool next to Emma. 

“Emma, I wanted to say-“

“No. Don’t. Not tonight...” she cut him off, and wrapped her hand around Neal’s on the bench, squeezing it tight when Neal felt his throat begin to close up and his eyes burn. Neal looked up to see Emma’s soft eyes fixed on him, and Neal breathed in a deep sigh. They were the same people who fell in love three years ago, and Neal knew without a doubt his love for her was still there and as strong as ever. It was why he was always in so much pain. He’d done this. He’d drove them apart. And now, they would never be able to find their way back to each other. They were both so lost in their pain and who they’d become. 

Neal could see in Emma’s eyes, the same torment, the longing to go back to a time they were so happy and foolish. They sat there for what felt like hours, holding hands and afraid to let go, to shatter their likely final moment together. After awhile, Emma spoke up, loud enough for Neal to just hear her words.

“If today weren’t today, and if what happened hadn’t...” Emma paused as she fought through the pain of the surfacing memory to the end of the sentence.

“If we weren’t us and we were just two people who met.  
Just strangers without everything in our past....I’d ask if we could meet for another drink sometime...” Emma proposed, smiling at him as they both fell into the dream of a life without the pain of what they had lost. 

“So what it just for tonight, we were strangers?” He suggested, Emma looked up in confusion at Neal, “What if for one night we just forget?” he murmured, and could see the tears escape Emma’s eyes as he felt his own start to run. 

“That you’re just Oscar from the bar?” Emma asked softly.

“And you’re just the girl in a red leather jacket?” Neal repeated back to her. 

Emma’s fingers entwined themselves further into Neal’s hand, and she nodded quickly. Neal pulled on her hand, and led her away from the bar.

Before he knew what happened next, they were at his place, and Emma’s jacket was discarded onto the couch by the door, and the rest of their clothes trailed behind them. Emma wrapped her arms around his neck and he swept her flowing blonde hair away from her neck as he kissed it as softly as a feather.

He paused briefly when he saw the necklace gracing her chest, the swan off the keychain. He touched it with one wary finger as he relived the memory of when he had stolen it for her, but continued his kissing before he would ask why she still wore it. Tonight wasn’t about questions, it was about forgetting. And together, they forgot the last two years had happened. 

Neal didn’t remember falling asleep, all he remembered was seeing the shadow cast from the window where the dream catcher hung, drawing it onto Emma’s back. He traced the dream catcher’s pattern along her skin until he felt his face fall into the pillow, Emma warmth making his eyes close in happiness- however temporary this reunion would be. 

In the morning, he woke to a cold bed and messy sheets. When he looked around his tiny apartment, Neal saw the red leather jacket no longer sat on the couch by the door, and Neal became aware of the silence that filled this apartment once more. The only evidence, that last night was real, was the swan necklace now attached to the dream catcher hanging on the window. Neal enclosed it gingerly in his hand and held on, the only piece of Emma he had left. 

Just like that, Emma had come sweeping back into his life and reminding him of everything he had and loved, and just like that...she was gone again. After that, Neal couldn’t find a trace of her. Not a number, not an address, nothing. Neal knew, you could never find someone who doesn’t want to be found, and he respected Emma’s decision. Emma was gone. He had to move on. 

Sometime later, after he had enough money and resources, Neal sold the bar. He left behind Oscar Fisher, and became Neal Cassidy again- this time for real. He had some experience writing the books at the bar, and found a job as an accountant in the city. He bought a suit, and another apartment, and settled into another life, and started over again.


	5. I Can't Be A Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma tries to move on with her life, with a hardened shell and new walls around her heart. Then life throws her another curve-ball.

One more night, one last look and one last kiss and Emma would finally be able to let go, she told herself. To give in to her desire to see him one last time, to be with him again, that was all Emma needed. She made a silent oath, after a year of running away and missing him, she would go back and find closure- and pray she had the strength to walk away again. She had always regretted not having a proper goodbye with Neal, they had stopped talking or touching long before she packed her bags. Yet in the end, when it came down to it and the morning sun began to shine through Neal’s window, Emma saw the dream catcher hanging in the window and knew she couldn’t stay. As much as she wanted to lie back down and curl up beside Neal under the covers, she got up and dressed silently to avoid waking Neal.

Her hand was prised on the doorknob when she looked back to Neal sleeping with his head buried in the pillows, and pulled the necklace from her neck. Even if she couldn’t find the courage to stay with him, to open her heart again, Emma still wanted him to have the very first gift he ever gave her; like she knew a piece of her would always feel connected to Neal no matter what.

Life went on as planned. Emma could finally put Neal behind her and begin the life she’d started to build. Every now and then she felt her thoughts run back to that loft in Manhattan, and wonder what Neal was doing right now. Her life was finally becoming something she was proud of, and felt like she was making a difference in the world. She began to specialise her are of focus, primarily investigating missing persons and child abductions- and so she was mostly on the road.

Neal had given Emma the keys to the yellow bug when she moved away two years ago, and she’d never found it in her heart to sell it for a new one. Oddly enough, she started to find it easier to live in the bug than spending all her money on hotels when she worked a case. It was oddly reminiscent, that the bug was her home away from home like her bandit days with Neal. It was a lonely life, but she’d grow accustomed to it. Stakeouts and tracking down leads on cold cases kept her mind busy, distracted her well enough. Until two months after her last parting with Neal, and Emma bought a pregnancy kit from a 24 hour pharmacy outside of Oregon.

A little pink stripe sent Emma’s world out of focus once more. She was pregnant, again. Emma didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like before when she was younger, and so naïve and foolishly happy and in love, and Neal by her side. She didn’t even own a house, the closest she had to a roof was crashing at her boss/partner’s couch when she was back in town. Emma hadn’t ever considered she would find herself in this situation again, and this town alone.

Emma had just built herself back together, the cracks that had scarred her now healed and stronger, but would open fresh wounds at a whisper that she didn’t think would be able to heal so easily. Emma had let herself feel, to trust and love and let her guard down, and it had all backfired. Every reason she had to doubt had been proven right, and she had firmly built her walls back up with titanium steel. These walls were not built to fall back down, let alone let someone else back in. She couldn’t do this, she couldn’t open her heart again.

She considered calling him, and telling him, but a part of her feared somehow history would repeat itself if she told anyone, that maybe if only she knew, the universe wouldn’t notice. The universe had always seemed to have a blind spot when it came to Emma, and so far it proved to work. Emma knew he had a right to know, but every time she went to dial she would hang up before he answered. Emma had kept tabs on him, and he was in a really good, stable place in his life. He had a career, a home, a whole new life. She couldn’t bring that all crashing down again. Despite ending things between them for good, and pretending she no longer felt anything for him, Emma loved Neal too much to pull him back into their unstable gravity.

Emma spent the next 7 months doing everything she could to convince herself she couldn’t do it, that it was the right thing to do. Emma knew, deep down she couldn’t give this baby the life it deserved if she would always be in afraid of losing something she loved like she had before. She already knew what it felt like to lose one child, and Emma know going through that pain again would kill her. Anything would be better than losing something she loved, even if that meant letting it go. Emma couldn’t open her heart again, she just couldn’t. Emma had to give her baby its best chance, and she wasn’t it.

Throughout her entire pregnancy, Emma did everything she could to make sure she wouldn’t harm this baby, or tempt fate. She couldn’t raise this baby on her own, but the least she could do was give him a decent start at life. Emma felt like she was waiting for a sign, or for something to go wrong, like it always did, but every appointment she was told the baby was happy and healthy and strong. At 20 weeks, they told her it was a boy. One night Emma caught herself picking baby names, and thinking about what he would look like. That was the last night she almost called Neal, and he had picked up and uttered “ _hello?”_  through the phone. Emma hung up without saying a word.

When he was born, they told her he was happy and healthy and strong, his loud piercing cries were proof enough of that to Emma’s ears. She turned away from him, afraid to look at her son, because he wasn’t her son. She wasn’t his mother, but Emma knew, one look at him and all the courage she had built up to give him away would be broken. Emma knew, holding that baby once would make her second guess everything she had decided.

“I can’t be a mother.” She said in fractured sobs, until the doctors took the baby away and she couldn’t hear him cry anymore, and that was when she broke down. It was the hardest thing she had ever done, and there was no going back. There was only going forward and praying she would find the strength along the way. She gave her son away to give him his best chance at an amazing life, and that was all Emma wanted for him. Even if it wasn’t with her.


End file.
